Wednesday, June 27, 2007

6/27/07 The Untold Story: Awaiting DNA, Part III

Please see this post for an explanation and introduction before reading:

Part III (*Names and places have been changed)

It is now Sunday, and I must get through one day of work, and then I will have two days off. Time is moving excruciatingly slow. It seems as if I have been here 8 hours already, but it has only been a few. It will be an even longer wait until sometime Monday afternoon or evening for any confirmation on shoe size.

The pain permeates my entire body. Like the vision of that face, it burns inside me. There is nothing I can do but try to go through the motions of the day. I have to stop writing this because it is becoming too difficult.

I know in the end what will be will be. I cannot undo what has happened. I can only find a way to deal with it and keep moving as I have for these past three years. I pray for more strength.

Sunday afternoon/evening:

At about 4:15, I could no longer focus on my work and sat quietly. I had to go to Mass right after work as I had not yet been this weekend. I was getting teary eyed again and I did not want to go. I drove there anyway and forced myself to go in. I knew this was the one place I needed to be most of all, despite my very human feelings. I sat away from the majority and left my sunglasses on. I did not want to be seen or to see anyone.

I reflected on the horrific sufferings of Jesus on the cross, and how Mary saw it all. If that young man was Jason, at least I didn’t have to watch him die. As always, our earthly suffering pales as compared to that of Jesus.

In some ways, I felt like Scarlett O’Hara when she realized that she drew her strength from her home and the earth at Tara. I had to remind myself that all of my strength came from above. I knew where to find it when I needed it.

I went home and greeted Jim with a Happy Father’s Day. He was having a hard time of it all, because he believes the body is Jason’s. I told him I had to remain neutral at this point, or at least until we know more, such as the shoe size. There have been rare few times I have seen him become tearful in our marriage, as he is a strong man, and this was one of them. I could feel his great pain and I wished I could say something to help him. We could only hold each other and gently cry.

*Sara, who works with me online in regards to missing person’s cases, wanted to call me to hear all of the news of the tour. I considered telling her because I knew she had walked this path with so many families. I needed to talk to someone who had been through this…..this specific waiting. We talked about many things, but it didn’t seem like the right time to tell her. We had decided to keep it to ourselves until we had additional information, but we wanted to make exception for someone who could guide us in this.

It felt good to talk about all the other things and for the duration of our phone call, I could come as close as possible to having that face leave my thoughts. It was a welcome respite. She might be hurt that I didn’t tell her, but it seemed less selfish to not subject her to our pain.

I have so many things to catch up with after the tour but my focus is gone. It’s going to take a great deal of effort to accomplish what I need to do on Monday. It seems like an eternity to wait until Monday late afternoon/evening, when we are hoping to find out about the shoe size. I pray it is size 10 or less.

Go to Part IV:


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