4/13/06 Two Month Countdown
Today is the 13th, which marks another month since my son Jason disappeared. This year has been more difficult because of the countdown to the 5 year missing date, June 13th.
5 years is much too long to not know where your child is located, and if they are safe, and even alive. 5 years is half of a decade. In this timeframe, so many things can happen in a person's life.
An infant grows to be a child and starts school. A boy grows from a child's body into a man's body. A young man graduates from high school and may even be married with children in a 5 year period.
When Jason first disappeared, and I started to research missing persons on the Internet, I was astonished at the great number of missing persons, and to think that what we see in that research does not even scratch the surface is chilling.
I saw the faces of people who had been missing for years and years. Even if I saw one who had been missing for a year, I told myself "That won't be us. We'll find him." The thought of it "being us" was horrifying. Now it is us.
After Jason had been gone from our lives for about 6 months, I wrote the following piece. I intended for it to be a song, but have no musical skills, and the file sat for all of these years.
It seems like the right time to share it as I navigate through this day, still missing him just as much as I did that first day.
The Missing Song
He was my first born son.
When I held him in my arms,
I thought my love for him would always protect him
from anything that would hurt him.
I thought we would always be together, forever.
The years went by with all of us together,
laughing and living life to the fullest.
Then one day, he was gone from our lives.
Gone without a goodbye,
gone without a warning,
\gone without a trace.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you & keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
There are so many like him,
gone for a long time.
Hearts are broken daily,
over and over again.
Those lives will never be the same again,
never again until they come home.
Seasons come and seasons go,
and still we cannot find him.
Looking out the window on a frozen Winter day,
I wonder if he’s cold & alone.
When I go to bed each night,
I wonder if he has a pillow to lay his head on.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
I know that he loves us and that I love him,
so why would he stay away?
Has someone hurt him
and kept him from coming back to us?
It hurts not to know where he is.
How long will this go on?
Sometimes all I can do is pray that he will come back to us.
Sometimes all I can do is pray for an answer.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
I love you.
Please come home.
The Psychics and Missing People series will return on Friday.
5 years is much too long to not know where your child is located, and if they are safe, and even alive. 5 years is half of a decade. In this timeframe, so many things can happen in a person's life.
An infant grows to be a child and starts school. A boy grows from a child's body into a man's body. A young man graduates from high school and may even be married with children in a 5 year period.
When Jason first disappeared, and I started to research missing persons on the Internet, I was astonished at the great number of missing persons, and to think that what we see in that research does not even scratch the surface is chilling.
I saw the faces of people who had been missing for years and years. Even if I saw one who had been missing for a year, I told myself "That won't be us. We'll find him." The thought of it "being us" was horrifying. Now it is us.
After Jason had been gone from our lives for about 6 months, I wrote the following piece. I intended for it to be a song, but have no musical skills, and the file sat for all of these years.
It seems like the right time to share it as I navigate through this day, still missing him just as much as I did that first day.
The Missing Song
He was my first born son.
When I held him in my arms,
I thought my love for him would always protect him
from anything that would hurt him.
I thought we would always be together, forever.
The years went by with all of us together,
laughing and living life to the fullest.
Then one day, he was gone from our lives.
Gone without a goodbye,
gone without a warning,
\gone without a trace.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you & keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
There are so many like him,
gone for a long time.
Hearts are broken daily,
over and over again.
Those lives will never be the same again,
never again until they come home.
Seasons come and seasons go,
and still we cannot find him.
Looking out the window on a frozen Winter day,
I wonder if he’s cold & alone.
When I go to bed each night,
I wonder if he has a pillow to lay his head on.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
I know that he loves us and that I love him,
so why would he stay away?
Has someone hurt him
and kept him from coming back to us?
It hurts not to know where he is.
How long will this go on?
Sometimes all I can do is pray that he will come back to us.
Sometimes all I can do is pray for an answer.
Faces, faces, so many faces.
I look at all of them ,
but it’s never you,
the one I want to see.
Places, places, I look in all of them,
and I never find you,
the one I want to find.
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
Why couldn’t my love protect you and keep you?
Why can’t my love bring you back to us?
I love you.
Please come home.
The Psychics and Missing People series will return on Friday.
posted by Kelly Jolkowski at 1:48 AM
5 Comments:
Dawn said it all. Kelly, you and your family are in my thoughts, and please know that you have my deepest respect.
peace..
--elaine
Dear Kelly,
I think of you often, and as always, wonder where do our loved ones go. Tomorrow we will begin our 3 week countdown to the second anniversary of Joanna's disappearance. You have been a source of strength and a touchstone for us. Our paths and feelings are so similar. You've gone before us to break the trail, and yet still no answers.
God is taking care of Joanna and Jason, and we are blessed, as we celebrate Easter to rejoice in that.
He is Risen indeed,
Kathy
i think of all of you guys often.. and i wish you had answers. something, instead of a hole that is waiting to be filled.
i'm sorry you have to live with all of this everyday, but thankful for all the good things you've done for so many other people. all my best.
I couln't stop the tears from from coming,when I read this.Kelly I will be praying for your son Jason just as strong as I prayed for CLaudia and ask GOD to TO give you the miracale he has also geven to me....Joaquin Burgos
Kelly,
Your song/poem breaks my heart. I think of our case, and even though Dailen is home and safe again, those are the things that one thinks of when there is no answer to the questions. Is he warm, is he eating, is he happy, is he safe ...? There is no end to the unanswered questions. I can only tell you, again, that my hope for you is that you get an answer to all the questions and.... that the answer comes soon.
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