Tuesday, September 13, 2005

9/13/05 Just Another Day

It's September 13th today. It's just another day for most people. It's not for me.

Each month, the 13th comes around again. There is nothing that can stop it. It serves as a reminder of what is and what isn't.

I went to work this morning and started the day, as usual, at 8 a.m. I flipped over my daily calendar from Monday to Tuesday. The number 13 stared me in the face. It's not that I don't know what comes after 12, or what day this is, it was just that the action of the turning of that page made the surreal become real all over again.

I am at 4 years and three months since Jason disappeared. That's 1,550 days living without him and living in the not knowing. My throat tightens as I type this. I fight back tears. Everywhere I look, I see his face, although in shadows. I cannot grasp onto a shadow. It moves with my movements, always out of reach.

There are times when the world seems so small, but this is a time when it seems as if might as well be the universe. He is out there somewhere, and I cannot find him, no matter what I do. I often say that finding a missing person can be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but for me, there are a million haystacks, and I am blindfolded.

With over 4 years of living this life under my belt, I am becoming more accustomed to digging through the haystacks. As long as I keep going, I have eliminated another one. I don't like it at all, but I accept that this is what is, for now, and it may be what is for the rest of my natural life. At least I know one thing: I will see my son again. I just do not know when and where. It may not be on this earthly plain.

It's hard to wait. It's hard to think of what may have happened or might be happening to him. There are plenty of frightening theories to go around, but there is also the possibility that he did leave willingly. I really do not know. I do know that the heartache and the pain do not diminish with time. A mother does not stop worrying about her child.

Recently, there was a story in the news about a young woman who had been missing for 7 years. Her parents thought she was dead, but she was alive and well, living and working in another state. Stories like these re-affirm hope. Just because someone has been missing for a period of time doesn't neccesarily mean they are dead. Hope is a gift I have that no one can take away. Only the truth can do that.

I will wait for the truth. In the meantime, I will keep on digging through the haystacks. Tomorrow may be just another day, but it will be a day of hope and of possibilities.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A heartrending entry. I really have no idea what you must be going through but I can try to imagine. Jason looks like such a good-looking young man. Just take heart and keep on keeping on -- that's all you really can do.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Kelly, as always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

4:23 PM  
Blogger Kelly Jolkowski said...

Thank you both. I will keep on going. There is no doubt in my mind about that.


11:52 PM  

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